my little alaska

It has been ages since I’ve posted on my blog. I keep saying that; it doesn’t get me to post more often. I keep thinking I should, because I know I should write a bit and get some of the cobwebs and mess out of my head… but instead I’ll just post this video, because it’s well done, and more because there are people I know in it, and it makes me proud to know them. 

A few pics from my 2017, since I’ve been so slack about posting this year. It wasn’t our best year, but it had some great times. Scott got lasik and suddenly could see, we went to Revelstoke again just the three of us, my parents celebrated their 50th anniversary, I had a 40th bday meetup with my college roommates in Austin, we vacationed on Vashon Island with Scott’s family (and some killer strawberries), I finally saw Tim in Haines after not seeing him for 10+ years, I passed all my licensing exams (so hopefully the paperwork will go through soon and I’ll get my license!), and I pulled off a great class for the Alaska Fire Conference. I got pregnant, too, which was a positive, but we lost our baby girl at 20 weeks, which is the giant overshadowing negative of the year. There were a lot more little magical high points (like any time we hear Cody laugh hysterically) and lots of little lows that seemed epically miserable at the time… but overall it was what it was. See ya 2017!!

This is the video that I think of on most birthdays now; and it’s not a bad one to end up watching every year.

I had some thoughts in the past year of doing something big for my 40th birthday.  Some people make big statements by running the same amount of miles as their age, or climbing that many climbs, or lots of other little goals that I haven’t heard about yet.  I thought about trying that, but there are very few things that I do that suddenly doing 40 of seemed like a worthwhile way to spend the day.  I considered 40 push-ups, which really I could, and probably should, just plan to do each and every day of this year, but on the actual day of my birthday, all those things seemed a bit random. 40 really isn’t much different than 39, or 41, and to have it be big occasion just seemed… not worth the effort on my part. Especially with the forecast the day was calling for.

So we went for a family bike ride, even though it was pouring out. 

I love hard efforts, and maybe 14 miles on my bike shouldn’t really count as a hard effort, but with the amount I get out biking these days, plus towing a trailer with our packs or Cody, depending on mood he was in, and then the rain… it was a pretty killer multi-hour effort.  And as always happens, the rain left up… for at least part of the time.

Coming back from the ride, Scott and I had a coffee date planned, with our neighbor offering to watch Cody, so we did a really quick change and headed out with our travel Scrabble for some kid-free-date-time. Little did I know that at this point, all sorts of gears were turning.  I was sitting at Highliner trying to think of words that would hit the damn Triple Word Scott square, and back at my home the forces were converging to decorate and prep for a surprise party! I walked back into the house and expected to see Cody; not a house full of people and balloons, and a big round of “Happy Birthday!”.  As soon as that finished up, and I somewhat regained my senses (I think I was laughing, but in general I was just super surprised), we heard sirens coming up the hill, as Ladder 2 joined the party.

Yes, finally after 40 years, I have the birthday party that makes all the kids in the neighborhood jealous!!

Scott (and crew) thought of everything–decorations, food,snacks, cake, homemade ice cream, pinata, etc etc.  It was a great night with friends, and I learned that one of the great things about being 40 is that when the party ends at 8pm because of all the kiddos bedtimes, you’re totally fine with it!  A great party and a reasonable bedtime!  YES!!!

So now I’m 40.  I don’t have any plans now that I didn’t have for 39; I don’t know if anything will happen this year to make it a standout year, but I’m okay with that.  I still have a ton of plans.  

If anything, the best realization I’ve had is that I’ve had a great first forty years, full of adventures and good people, and enough luck to have made it through the harder times without too much time spent in any sort of pit of despair. While time is flying by at mach 5 right now, the past 40 years have literally felt like forever–and if all goes well (knock on wood), I’m not even halfway done yet.  As cheesy as it sounds: the best is always yet to come.

It’s been months since I have written.  Time is flying by so fast that I’m behind on all sorts of things I’d like to be ahead on; but obviously they aren’t quite enough of a immediate priority to ever make it to the top of the “to do” list. I’m only here now because I had a domain renewal issue, and therefore had to pay a smidge of attention to the blog… and thought I’d extend that for a few minutes, just to write something, to show that I’m here and still working through this big fun messy life.

I’m noticing that I’ve also neglected my photos in the past half a year as well, as I barely have any readily available to post on this blog from that time. 

So, as I use this blog mainly just as a substitute journal and a way to keep track of some events and thoughts that aren’t really FB-ready… anything I need to mention from the past year?

Eh. Well. Maybe not.

Let’s skip to the past few months… I’m getting closer to getting my LA license, I think. It’s a goal for the year, and is still reachable. 

Work is still fine, and I still like what I do, most of the time. We have been in a new office for 9 months and overall, aside from a few little irritating things, it’s a boone for me. I skied home from work this winter! That is awesome!

I’ve got tons of stuff going on the firehall. As is often the case, the stuff I’m most excited about is something I don’t get paid for and don’t have enough time for! But that is how you find time, I suspect.

And we had a great snow year. I have my ski days counted up in my calendar but I don’t have that with me right now. But it’s been fun; and my season might not be over if I work it right. I’m just not sure if I’ll bother to head up into the mountains with skis again–there are so many other things going on to do!

Oh wait. Maybe I do want to get up there again!! It’s been killer spring skiing weather the past few days but I have not had the timing work out to get up. But a fun spring ski party in the sun sounds like a worthy endeavor if it can work out…

And last but definitely not least… 

There is this guy. Three and a half, still happy, still loves being around us, always on the go and keeping us busy either laughing or marveling how ridiculously cute he is. Well, and maybe rolling our eyes, and getting frustrated here and there to spice things up, of course…

Onward towards the summer of 2017!

I’m way behind on things like photos, videos, and my blog.  I haven’t given up, but I’m just BEHIND. I finally threw together some GoPro video from a trip we did in August. It ain’t perfect, but it’s done!!

There are just a few things you need to survive an outing in the Alaskan wilderness. Here is my (half tongue-in-cheek) list:

1. A good camera! And, people willing to sit in front of the camera for you, or at least who will ignore you playing around with it.

2. Hot coffee to go with the views.

3. Bear protection: 2 bear sprays, 1 large caliber rifle, and a rousing rendition of “Yellow Submarine” held as a last resort.

4. Tried and true ways to keep warm, which in this case were puffy pants and a wood stove.

5. Good friends who like the same balance of quiet reflection, good conversation, and hard work–whatever balance works for you.

It’s already been two weeks since this trip somehow; life is flying by at Mach 5 these days, despite my repeated attempts to slow down.  It had been a long time since I had done an overnight trip with friends and I’m already eyeing the calendar trying to see if when I should plan for the next one. As I get older, I forget sometimes about the importance of overnight trips in friendship. But it is SO GREAT to have days of time to be friends together, instead of just fitting in a lunch or hike or day trip here and there. I am so grateful for the ladies in my life.

Barbara Walters via Cup of Jo

We had this valley and lake to ourselves… Yes, I do love Alaska.  And this kiddo of mine.

(I have been out sick for the past four days now, and it’s just miserable. You know you are sick when even watching TV is a bit of torture, and you just end up staring at the ceiling waiting for the day to be over in hopes that tomorrow you might feel better.  I am on the mend but not recovering nearly as fast as I’d like… but I’ve watched this little movie that I made from the weekend before this one quite a few times, in order to remind myself that there is life beyond being sick, and that I’ll feel better and get out there again soon!!)

One of those classic Alaskan summer days…

I have been tossing about the idea of open water swimming here for years. Toss on a wetsuit, and just go SWIM–it seemed like a good solution to many of my ongoing frustrations. I mean, there aren’t any bears in the water, right? And if you’re swimming, you obviously aren’t thinking about the logistics of it being rainy and getting soaked! There’s no traffic, and it’s not bad for your knees or your back! Seems like the perfect Sitka exercise!

Buuuuut there are logistics. Many of which I don’t know about totally, some of which I know a little too much about.  Such as: not all wetsuits are created equal. I have a gorgeous, expensive, very thick surfing wetsuit.  And trying to swim in it is a chore, because it’s so warm and thick that it’s more buoyant than a lifejacket.  I tried to snorkel with it last summer and ended up needing 20 lbs of weight just to be able to surface dive comfortably without immediately popping back up to the surface. I found out that there are fancy (also expensive) swimming wetsuits… that run like $400 or more, just like the wetsuit I already had.  Could I justify another wetsuit, that I might not end up using as much as I imagine I would? 

And then one popped up for $50, in my size, on the local online garage sale page.  I took it as a sign, since I had just been thinking about buying one yet again that morning, and snatched it up.

So, now I own a snazzy Xterra wetsuit… now what? Am I really going to jump in the 50-something degree water and just swim??? 

A week after buying the wetsuit, I was heading out for an afternoon at a nearby beach with friends, and I figured it’d be a good place to try out this whole swimming thing. Luckily I had a friend who also had a wetsuit with her, and was up for swimming–so there was no backing out. I can’t be shown up by an 11 year old!! (Yes, yes, I can.  But at least yesterday I wasn’t) I put on my old swim cap, and my goggles, and debated the pros and cons of wearing sandals on my feet (decided to keep them on, though it seems like the un-cool thing to do from my research), and ran and dove in. And then I think I screeched to high heavens. 

SO #$%*&ng COLD!!!!!!

I immediately thought: well, this will be the one and only time I’m ever ever ever wearing this damn wetsuit! No way in hell will you get me to do this twice!

But then I swam around for a few minutes, got out, regained feelings in my hands and feet, and went back in. I think that is the trick (plus I really need to get some earplugs, because the water in my ear felt like the coldest part). Once I went back in, the water didn’t feel nearly as cold, and it was just plain fun. My friend and I swam out to the boat, got out, cannonballed back in, and swam back to the beach, doing a few laps like that. I jumped every time my hand hit a kelp frond, but only because I wasn’t always paying attention to where I was going. I’m sure it will take a while to get used to everything.  

I felt like I could have kept swimming, going further out, but being that I really had no idea how long I could last in the water, I thought it best to be cautious. No need to have the folks on shore have to come save me because I ran out of steam or got too cold to move! Hopefully I will get back out again. The only downfall of this new exercise option is that it’s yet another thing that I want to do that is better with a partner! Dang it!! If only I knew more people that wanted to do exactly what I want to do, when I want to do it, for as long as I want to do it, without much notice but with lots of enthusiasm! Easy, right?

I totally bailed on that photo class last week. I just couldn’t do it. There are lots of reasons why; some are excuses, some are valid. Was I uncomfortable in the class? A bit. Did I not want to push myself? Afraid of working out of my comfort zone? Well, not really. I go through these questions on a regular basis, with a lot of what I do, and I know when I’m scared, it usually means that I really should do whatever it is that I’m thinking about. But sometimes, I put myself in situations that put me outside of my comfort zone, or just make me uncomfortable, and I start pushing myself to keep going when I realize… I just don’t care. I just don’t LIKE what I’m doing, or I really, really just don’t want to do it and don’t care enough to do it… and pushing myself out of some weird obligation to “not quit when things get hard” is totally NOT the right thing to do. In all honesty; I just don’t have the time anymore to push myself in places that aren’t a high priority. I end up thinking, “I could be spending this time with C” or even more damning-”I’d rather be working!” They always say that your priorities change when you have a kid, and I don’t totally agree with that (aside from the kid suddenly ranking high up there). But I do have much less tolerance for spending time on things that aren’t high priority, that don’t hit me on more than a superficial level. If there is a good reason; then by all means LET’S DO THIS! (That’s an Octonauts reference for all you non-toddler-parents out there). But if not… off the train for me. No need to push on. 

So, the class was a bust, for me. But I still had mentally set aside the week for photography, and rented a camera and some lenses to play with, so I made sure that I took photos every day, and I spent time actually thinking about taking photos. It’s been a long week since I’ve had the luxury to do that! I can’t say the week was AWESOME, because the weather just sucked for the majority of it, all foggy and rainy and Sitkaesque… but it was good. The easiest revelation of it all was that I found out that I really, really don’t need a new DSLR camera. I sometimes find myself falling into that trap of wanting the new, fancy stuff… and my camera had been driving me crazy. Now that I’ve compared it to a newer, fancier version of itself, I can see what some of the pros would be (and ooooh it’s tempting!) but I also see the downsides, and the things that wouldn’t be fixed even if I spent $1000 on a new camera body. And I found a few things on the new camera that I thought were all whizz-bang fancy… only to realize that my current camera can do them too!  I just never had the time to figure that out!

The other things I figured out is that I really like taking photos, all by myself. It’s an act of meditation, and to be honest, I’ve barely looked at the 1500 photos I took last week. But I loved taking them, and it put me in a better mindset. And that, if nothing else, is a worthwhile reason for me to keep taking photos. 

Late night photo session with my sunroom-grown sunflower…

I attended the first class of a photography seminar today; there is a great camp-for-adults in town this year and while I knew I couldn’t participate for a whole week, I finagled my way in to the class for at least a few days. Today was Day 1 of 5, and…

Meh.

We went around the room and talked about what we were looking for in the class, and it wasn’t hard to answer. No, I’m not looking to be a professional photographer, but I am looking to reconnect to my creativity, and re-find my drive when it comes to photography. I want to be around other photographers, and talk photography, and feel inspired, get energy to move forward, and maybe learn a few things along the way technically.

And after just a few hours today, I wonder if perhaps photography has passed me by.  Maybe it’s just not the venue I need for my creative outlet.  The other students in the class just seemed so excited, and perhaps it helped that a lot of them were either visiting Sitka or fairly new to town… but I wasn’t feeling it. Is it the class? Would it all be different if I were taking the class in a new, exciting place?  Is it that I’m trying to juggle too many things (work, childcare, sunny days, etc) while everyone else is getting the whole week to focus on photography to the exclusion of all else? Have I become so jaded with photography that I’m numb to it? Or was it just an off day for me? 

I’ve taken photo classes before, and always loved them.  But I don’t know that I’ve ever been in a group that goes out and photographs together, and I think that may be part of what is throwing me off.  My photography is very much about the doing and feeling of it, and less about what happens with the photo (if people see it, if other people like it or feel it’s good) and to be in a group just seems WEIRD. I enjoy the group discussions and critiques of photography that I’ve been in before, but whatever was going on today was discouraging, and I wish I knew if it was me or the group dynamic somehow. I found myself thinking, “Maybe it’s time to give up photography as a hobby.  Maybe that’s okay if you drop that off the table.  Would you be okay not being a photographer, even if it’s only in your own head where the term is used or not?”

I don’t know. On one hand, I know I love photography. I love taking photos, when I want to, of what I want to, when I have time to. But it’s also a fruitless passion at times; perhaps because I don’t have the time these days to focus on it as I’d like? And those AWESOME satisfying “I got the shot” photos are few and far between. And I don’t really know what I’m trying to say with my photos, or what I want to do with them, if anything.  I’m not sure I care whether people see my photos or not. 

But if not photography for some reason (which really, is hard to imagine–what if I give up all my cameras… All 6 or so of them….(!!)…would I just continue to WANT to take photos? Would I go through withdrawal?), then I can start wondering what my creative outlet should, or wants to, be. And that is a bit of a mind-boggling question in itself.

If I turn it around a bit, and stop wondering “Why photography” and go with the similar but different “Why not photography?”… the reasons aren’t very solid there, either.

So, for now, we’ll see.

But these are some of my favorite photos from today, that are not great, but not bad.